The Internet forums PGW-Net and alt.fan.wodehouse have provided many a Plummie with the opportunity to share some bright ideas, but the following is one of the brightest we have ever seen. It began with a question put out to PGW-Netters by Stu Shiffman--to wit: "Say that some big Hollywood studio (say, Spielhammer Werkes International) was going to do a big budget film adaptation of one of Wodehouse's novels. (1) Which one should it be? (2) Who would you cast in the leads?" This prompted the following response from Jean Tillson, known to her fellow on-line Wodehousians as Pighooey. Hollywood, take note! --AD
Finally, illness has accomplished what no amount of good intentions could; it has given me sufficient time away from work and school to answer the above question which has, in fact, been the subject of one of my favorite daydreams for a long time. And I have come to the conclusion that one could never do a real Wodehouse story well enough to satisfy all parties. Therefore, the thing to do is to take the characters and make up one's own story line. For instance, here is the one I turn over in my head most often (with the actors I envision in the roles):
Time (like an ever-rolling stream) has passed and, while it is still magically some time in the pseudo-Edwardian era we all know and love from Plum's work, Bertie (Michael Palin) and Jeeves (John Cleese) are not as young as they once were. They come back from an extended 'round-the-world cruise and Bertie suddenly realizes that the Drones Club is now inhabited by middle-aged men with families and responsibilities who are in grave danger of becoming dull and respectable. Bertie, horror-stricken, decides that the way to liven things up and make them all feel young and reckless again is to put on a really good smoker with Pongo (Eric Idle) and Barmy Fotheringay Phipps (Tim Curry) doing their snappy cross-talk act, Gussie (Terry Jones) reciting poetry inspired by his newts, Bingo Little (Simon Jones) trying to teach his peke to play the piano, and all that sort of thing. Problems arise, however, when the Drones' wives get together and insist on joining in and having the children take part, effectively turning the jolly old smoker into a bally family talent show. To further complicate things, Mrs. Bingo Little (Julie Christie) somehow manages to turn the talent show into a fund-raiser for Mixo-Lydian war orphans because the heroine of her latest book happens to be a Mixo-Lydian war orphan, you see, and she thinks it would be a great vehicle to promote her book. Her publisher, Lord Tilbury (Ian Holm), puts up a great deal of prize money to promote the thing and Steggles (Derek Jacobi) is there making book on the outcome and generally trying to nobble things, but Jeeves out-smarts him in the end, of course.
Now, using the above as a background, we would naturally have a large number of the Drones' children fall in and out of love with each other and this would in turn give us the opportunity to bring together some of the characters who never got to meet in the books. For instance, imagine that Pongo's son Freddie (Hal Cazalet) is in love with Lord Emsworth's granddaughter Victoria (Bosham's girl, you know, played by Kate Beckinsale), but Lady Constance (Maggie Smith) wants Vicky to marry the son of Lord and Lady Sidcup (Oliver Reed and Vanessa Redgrave), Bertram Spode (Jude Law)--so named because Madeline thought the least she could do for Bertie after all his heroic devotion was to name a son after him. Vicky, however, can't stand "Squiffy" Spode because not only does he believe the stars are God's daisy chain, he is the leader of a whole band of militant loonies whose mission it is to see that everybody else believes it, too. As Squiffy is, in fact, secretly enamored of Gussie Fink-Nottle's daughter Polly (Lara Cazalet) but too diffident to speak his love, it hardly matters, but Lady Constance doesn't know that, you see, so she brings Vicky to Blandings Castle to get over her silly infatuation with Freddie. Freddie, meanwhile, talks to his godfather Bertie Wooster (now Lord Yaxley) and convinces him to go to Blandings in order to make Vicky (who has broken their engagement and is pretending to go along with her Aunt Constance's wishes) see that it wasn't his fault he got five days without the option for being caught in that raid on Francis Venus's nightclub; he was simply trying to get his great-uncle Fred (Peter O'Toole) to come away from the baccarat table . . . and so, you get Bertie and Jeeves to Blandings Castle at last. Of course, Bosham (Tim McInnerny) is now the 10th Earl of Emsworth, but Beach (Brian Blessed) is still there complaining about the lining of his stomach, and McAllister (Sean Connery) is still trying to line the ancient yew path with gravel, while George Cyril Wellbeloved (Tony Robinson--alright, so I've been watching Black Adder while I've been sick) is back at the Empress's sty (Empress III, probably, at this point) after being fired from Sir Gregory's employ for drinking on the job or moving in with the Queen of Matchingham or something like that.
And so on and so on, what? I mean to say, it would be pie to come up with at least half a dozen more romantic entanglements between the children of Plum's characters; add a few Mulliners and other notables to the mix and the only problem you'll have plot-wise is knowing when to stop.
As for casting, I have a few more ideas,
but I've not yet figured out just how to weave them into
the story. Here's a list:
Aunt Dahlia = Judi Dench
Percy Pilbeam = Rowan Atkinson
Gally = Richard Briers (of course)
Mr. Mulliner = John Mortimer
Baxter = Ian Carmichael
Chimp Twist = Danny Devito
Soapy Molloy = Robert DeNiro
Dolly Molloy = Emma Thompson
Of course, Terry Gilliam would be in charge of sets and all that sort of thing by way of completing the Python contingent (and we might get him to direct, too, for that matter), and there has to be a way to get Billy Connolly in there somehow. Oh, and while they are too young to play Bertie and Jeeves in my picture, I can't stand the thought of making it without Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry, so I've decided to make them Ukridge (Mr. Fry) and Corky (Mr. Laurie). I also thought of making them Claude and Eustace, but they are supposed to be twins, so I'm not sure that would work.
Anyway, there are several benefits to this whole wheeze. First, making the main characters older eases the problem one always has in bringing fictional characters to the screen and that is the fact that everyone always has their own idea of exactly how their favorite characters look. I mean to say, think how many discussions we have had on this list alone regarding how old Jeeves is supposed to be and whether or not Bertie wears a monocle! But make them 20 or 30 years older and you won't offend quite so many sensibilities because most people haven't thought about what they might look like that far on.
Also, the parts of Bertie and Jeeves and some of the other main characters can actually be kept shorter by having all the romantic entanglements be between their children. Thus, we don't need the huge time commitment from some of the bigger stars and we can film the bits with DeNiro when he has time and the bits with Judi Dench when she has time, etc. And the opportunities for cameos are virtually endless! Everyone who is a fan of Wodehouse and wants to be an extra should be able to take part. I mean, we can have John Fletcher as a book-shop keeper, Tony Ring could be seen heading off to Lords in his "real tennis" kit, Norman Murphy could be in the background leading a tour of London, Charlie Watts could be a race horse owner in a scene at the track, Douglas Adams could be a bartender at the Drones, Frank McCourt could be standing on a soapbox in the park shouting about revolution and blood in the streets, and in and amongst it all we could have signs and advertisements for Slingsby's Superb Soups and Mulliner's Raven Gipsy Face Cream and Little's Liniment. And we could all contribute to the screenplay much the way we contributed to the story selection in What Ho! We could send in our ideas for plot lines and little Wodehousian touches, then let the screenwriter put it all together and just wait and see what ends up getting used. We would have to "donate" the ideas, of course--it would be too complicated and difficult to manage if people expected individual compensation or credit, but there would be a special, private opening for members of the various Wodehouse societies.
Ah, daydreams! Still, if I come across
several million dollars lying in the street any time soon I'll
let you know and you can start bunging in your story ideas.
Several people responded to Jean's
call for input. Some noted, for example, that Oliver Reed died
a few years ago and thus is no longer available. Jan Kaufman proposed
Rupert Everett to play Psmith Jr. David McDonough came up with
the cleverest idea, however. David proposed Anthony Hopkins for
Jeeves, going so far as to suggest some dialogue: "A former
employer of mine once wore purple socks with a red cumberbund.
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. . ."
Says Jean: "I've been laughing at that ever since!"
Stay tuned. The plot may very well thicken on this one!
--AD